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by the Therry Dramatic Society.

 

 

What’s the Story?

The owner of a health resort is shot dead, then made to look like it was an accident. His replacement finds a box of chocolates on his desk and, when people eat them, they die. Looks like it’s up to this wacky cast of characters to work out whodunnit!

 

What’s the Problem?

Main Character

I forget his name and the internet isn’t the sort of place to go “looking things up”, but the main character has too many joke lines. I’d call them funny lines, but they’re not often funny. They’re lines that are supposed to be jokes, but the audience feels like it’s drowning under the sheer volume of them. Every second line of his is a half-aside to the audience or some quip that doesn’t advance the story.

And when your main character seems to be going out of his way to delay the story, it makes for a tedious time.

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What’s the Story?

John Carter has just died and left a long, rambling note to his nephew. This note explains what happened one time when John, on the run from the law (in the Old West), stumbled across a bald man in a cave and accidentally got teleported to Mars, where he became the champion/leader of a group of weird aliens and helped stop an evil guy from destroying a good civilisation.

 

What’s the Problem?

Logic

leave it at the door for this one. You can breathe oxygen on Mars. You don’t instantly freeze to death. There are entire cities. You learn Martian language by drinking a special drink they give to babies. There are a couple of alien races, and one of them looks human (and even has the same standards for sexiness).

(Not this race.)

There is some logic – John, having been raised on Earth – has denser muscle and bone than Martians so he is super strong and can leap a great distance and fall without hurting himself. This is fun. It probaby doesn’t hold up to intense scientific scrutiny, but that really isn’t what this film is about.

 

This film is about me being shirtless and riding this flying motorcycle thing.

 

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What’s the Story?

Hit novelist Alan Wake hasn’t written a word in two years, so his wife books a holiday to Cauldron Lake so he can see a specialist. Instead, his wife disappears and he wakes up in a crashed car missing a week.

 

What’s the Problem?

Not a Very Good Writer

For a best-selling author, Alan’s narration and prose lacks something. That something is “voice”. Everything he reads is not only obvious most of the time (“I saw the door. It was closed.”) but also monotonal and dull. It lacks that sense of character that makes you believe the person actually exists and that sucks you into the story.

Wow. That's, uh... well, I mean, it's only a first draft, so... so maybe it will get better.

Sometimes Alan says things that help out, directing the player toward a missed item or solution, but most of the time he’s reading out things the player could have worked out easily on his own, which makes his content just as dull as his delivery.

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What’s the Story?

Desmond Miles lost consciousness after stabbing his would-be girlfriend at the end of the last game, so his friends plugged him into the Animus (a computer program that accesses forgotten memories, usually of one’s ancestors) to keep his mind from turning to goo. Now trapped inside his own mind, Desmond is forced to relive the final memories of Ezio Auditore, 16th century master assassin, as he hunts down the Library of Altair (another master assassin).

 

What’s the Problem?

Not Very Assassin-y

For a game with “Assassin” in the title, you don’t actually assassinate that many people. You kill a whole lot, but there isn’t the planned, methodical murder of high-placed figures that usually indicates assassination. Mostly you follow one clue to the next, get better weapons and armour, and climb everything more than three feet high.

Gah! No. Not that. Go AROUND that, and... oh, stuff it; just climb on whatever you want.

I get that they wanted “Assassin” in the title because it would sell more copies of the game than making up a name for the protagonists’ group, but still… if you’re going to call them assassins you can’t bitch whenever I stab a beggar for annoying me.

I'm about to get that "Kill one more innocent person and we'll boot you back to the last save point" message, aren't I?

 

Not Very Revelatory

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What’s the Story?

Before the events of Halo 1, the planet Reach was attacked and destroyed by the Covenant. This is the story of a group of Spartan soldiers who try to defend the planet and all die failing to do so.

 

What’s the Problem?

The Plot

is nothing. This is a game where they decided to come up with fun scenarios to play and then made a vague effort to tie them together with a storyline. The story does not drive the action at all. It feels like something that’s been put there to get you from A to B. Consequently, you don’t care about it.

Which is a problem, if they want me to care about the people in the squad and care when they die. Which apparently they do, because they keep playing heroic music when they cark it.

You can hear the music right now, can't you?

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