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Category Archives: Films

In light of how well the Hulk was done in The Avengers, I watched The Hulk (with Eric Bana) the other day.

Yeah, that one…

 

What’s the Story?

Dr David Banner was working on tissue regeneration in the sixties. He was unsuccessful, but passed something on to his son (because he was a good ethical scientist and tested experimental procedures on himself). As the result of an accident, whenever Bruce gets angry he turns into an invincible green giant. Also, his ex-girlfriemd’s dad was the one who arrested his dad.

 

What’s the Problem?

Daddy issues

The biggest problem with Hulk is that the whole film is about daddy issues. Its all about the repressed memories from Bruce’s childhood. His whole relationship with Betty was ruined because Bruce couldn’t open up to her. And yet Bruce refuses to admit he has a problem.

Worse, it falls into the trap of having repressed memories. There’s the big traumatic event that Bruce has locked out and it’s causing him so much internal pain that the nanomeds assume it’s physical pain and turn him into the hulk to help heal him.

To be fair, his dad is kind of a dick. But it still makes for a tedious film.

Yep. They made the hill’s whole purpose to be Bruce’s big Teddy bear, saving him from the nasty memories. Sigh.

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What’s the Story?

Thor’s adopted brother, Loki, has broken through the dimensions onto earth. To stop him, Nick Fury assembles a group of superheroes – Iron Man, The Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Captain America – most of whom have already been the stars of their own major films. Together they try to stop Loki before he manages to open a portal spewing forth an army ready to destroy the earth. Well, when they can resist getting into fights with each other.

 

What’s the Problem?

Joss Whedon wrote and directed a film combining a series of well-made superhero films into one megafilm… and you think I have a problem with it?

You must be new here...

To nitpick, though…

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What’s the Story?

A group of British oldies retire to the newly-opened Best Exotic Marigold Hotel in India. Which turns out to be a dungheap. But they learn valuable life lessons about other cultures, etc etc…

 

What’s the Problem?

Nothing, really. It’s an old story, not stunningly original, but it doesn’t fall into cliche and it has fun. It seems mostly to be an excuse to get all of the best British actors together and make a film with them before they, themselves, head off to retirement homes.

If you don't see the film in widescreen, the cast is half the size...

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What’s the Story?

In a distopian future, each of the twelve districts of Panem (America) must give up one male and one female “tribute” to fight to the death for the amusement of all. Twenty-four kids enter, only one leaves. From the shitty District Twelve, Katniss and Peeta get to go to the Capitol, train, and fight in the Hunger Games.

 

What’s the Problem?

Quite little. This is an adaptation of the book (which I’ve read, which will colour this review), and on the whole it did an excellent job of conveying what was in the book: the crappy districts, the opulence of the Capitol, the bullshit reality TV interviews, the brutality of the Games, etc.

Setting up District Twelve

That said, they spend a long time in both book and film setting up Katniss in the forest at the start when, really, we want to get to the arena already. As it turns out, there’s a bunch of stuff before the arena that’s important and worthwhile; it’s just that none of it is in District Twelve. All we need to know is: this place mines coal. It’s shit to live there. You could do that with a couple of establishing shots.

This shot does it all, for instance.

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What’s the Story?

John Carter has just died and left a long, rambling note to his nephew. This note explains what happened one time when John, on the run from the law (in the Old West), stumbled across a bald man in a cave and accidentally got teleported to Mars, where he became the champion/leader of a group of weird aliens and helped stop an evil guy from destroying a good civilisation.

 

What’s the Problem?

Logic

leave it at the door for this one. You can breathe oxygen on Mars. You don’t instantly freeze to death. There are entire cities. You learn Martian language by drinking a special drink they give to babies. There are a couple of alien races, and one of them looks human (and even has the same standards for sexiness).

(Not this race.)

There is some logic – John, having been raised on Earth – has denser muscle and bone than Martians so he is super strong and can leap a great distance and fall without hurting himself. This is fun. It probaby doesn’t hold up to intense scientific scrutiny, but that really isn’t what this film is about.

 

This film is about me being shirtless and riding this flying motorcycle thing.

 

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