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Monthly Archives: December 2011




What’s the Story?

You remember Puss from Shrek 2-4? It’s his origin story. It takes place in the fairytale version of Mexico, in which Puss is a thief. He teams up with an old childhood friend – Humpty Dumpty – to rob Jack and Jill of their magic beans so they can rob the giant of his golden goose.


What’s the Problem?

Choice of Characters

Puss acquires the regular dose of friends on his quest. In this case, Kitty Soft-Paws – a master thief – and Humpty Dumpty who was, apparently, Puss’s childhood friend. Which is weird, in my opinion: having a talking cat the friend of a talking egg. I get that this is a world in which all of the fairytales happen. I have no problem with Humpty being in the story. But I think it’s odd that, of all the characters in every fairy story, they decided to go with Humpty Dumpty as one of their main characters.

I wasn't even looking for stupid photos of Humpty. In fact, I wasn't even looking for photos of Humpty when I found this. He's just everywhere, in the film and out.

Like, he’s in half of the scenes. He’s the second-main character. Why pick the talking egg? It baffles me.

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Wow. Uh… this got long, so settle in. Or just skim until you find a heading you like.



What’s the Story?

The entire Halo array of deadly rings is on standby, ready to fire from the Ark. The entire Covenant army is attacking Africa, trying to excavate something from under a mountain. Turns out it’s a portal to the Ark.

This invasion of earth has been called on account of rain...

The Flood arrive on earth, so humanity burns half of Africa to stop the spread of space-zombies. The Master Chief and his new friends the Elites go through the portal, onto the Ark, and confronts the Prophet of Truth. The Flood follow them. They find a new Halo ring to replace the one the Chief blew up in Halo 1. They fire it, destroy the Ark and the Flood.


What’s the Problem?

They ran out of time on Halo 2, so Halo 3 is actually what was going to be half a game stretched out to a full game.

Probably the biggest problem I have with Halo 3 is that Halo 2 seemed to be leading toward so much, or give the promise of so much, which Halo 3 either didn’t recognise or didn’t deliver. For instance,


the Prophet of Truth

The Covenant were ruled by three Prophets. In Halo 2, Truth killed off the other two and started a civil war. This left him the sole leader of what was left of the Covenant (which was everything except the Elites). He also allowed the Flood to overrun the Covenant Holy City and fled away. All of this – combined with interrogating a purportedly sacred religious artefact, and breaking a couple of sacred promises and bases of their faith – made me think that Truth was using religion as a cover.

He was actually just in it for the power; he didn’t really believe. He knew that the Halo rings would destroy all life, not start the Sacred Journey to enlightenment. After all, he would have learned this from the sacred artefact, which would surely have told him (he tells everyone). Truth was, consequently, not planning on firing the Halo rings – only on saying he would as long as it served his political purposes.

Oh, yes, of COURSE you're all guaranteed a place on the Great Journey. Heh heh heh.

I was wrong. Truth believed everything, and was dead-set on firing the Halo rings. He believed everything he said and thought the rings would make him a god.

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Continuing now the proud tradition of examining the Halo games with:



What’s the Story?

Having destroyed the first Halo (a ring-shaped superweapon designed to kill everything that can think in the universe in order to stop the spread of space-zombies. No, seriously), the Master Chief and the AI that lives in his head Cortana return home to a hero’s welcome.

Then earth is attacked by the Covenant, a group of religious aliens hell-bent on destroying humanity. After defending earth for a few levels, the Chief and Cortana jump away to another Halo ring. Meanwhile, the Covenant begin a civil war as the long-standing Elites lose their favoured position to the new Brutes. The Prophet of Truth is kind of a dick and plays the religion of both sides against each other.

The Prophets of Truth and Mercy: Best Friends Forever


What’s the Problem?

Of the Halo games, I like the story in Halo 2 best. Halo 1 established the rules – these are the Halo rings, this is where humanity is at, this is the Covenant, the Flood, etc – and Halo 2 gets to play around with them. For instance, instead of the Covenant being mindless religious aliens in this, we see a little more into their culture: the different levels of belief that the different alien species have and how the Prophets manipulate events so everything turns out as they want. It has less of a “religion makes you a mindless killer” undertone as it does “power makes you a dick”.

Cool voice, though.

Also, we start to learn more about the Flood as well – like the fact that if they get enough space-zombies, they create a Gravemind to guide their overall strategy.

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In memory of the re-graphic-ing of this now decade-old story, I’ma bitch about it.


Uh... where did all the colours go?




What’s the Story?

The spaceship Pillar of Autumn runs away from the alien enemy destroying one of their planets. When they emerge from hyperspace, they find not only are the Covenant waiting for them, but there’s some strange ring-world right in front of them. [Spoilers ahead] The ringworld is called Halo. It’s actually a giant gun designed to kill everything in the universe so that the enemy of its builders (the Flood and the Forerunner, respectively) are all killed.


What’s the Problem?

Man, it sounds convoluted when you say it like that, but it’s metered out over about five hours of gameplay so it’s not so bad.


Silent Protagonist

The main character of the game doesn’t speak, except in cutscenes. And even then, not much. In many cases, this is just frustrating – a blatant attempt by the game makers to keep their character a Blank Slate for the player which they then ignore by giving the character a backstory or love interest or something.

Hey Isaac Clarke, guess how many shits I give about your dead wife?

In Halo, however, they never go into what the Master Chief did before waking up on the Autumn. Because it’s not relevant to shooting whatever is in front of you. Which is what the Chief does. All he does.

Ah, another beautiful day to be me and slaughter everything in my field of vision...

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